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Invisibility Sucks

Paybacks are hell. Things had started off so swimmingly, with The Hubby telling me a delightful story of a friend of ours experiencing his first bout of invisibility. Well, it was delightful to me because as an overweight middle-aged woman, I've been invisible for many years and I'm always low-key spitefully glad to welcome more members into the club. Our friend, let's call him CB because those are his actual initials, is an attractive forty-something year old guy who is super fit, dresses like a hipster in ironic t-shirts and the coolest jeans and carries himself with an air of badassery that he completely owns ands deserves. As such, he's accustomed to being visible to the general public.

But then this happened: As CB wandered through the airport today, innocently making his way to his terminal, believing himself to be in plain sight, he somehow found himself betwixt two halves of a bevy of beauties. Girls to the front of him, girls to the back of him -- normally a pretty good situation for him. But these two groups of young, impeccable females were carrying on a conversation right through him, occasionally craning necks and tilting heads in order to see around this vague obstacle, this annoying yet unidentifiable force field that was between them. CB spun around to look at each girl in turn and then, still thoroughly failing to be seen, walked dumbfounded to the nearest bench, sat down and shook his head in bewilderment, asking The Hubby, "what just happened?!"

Hubby explained to him that he had just joined the ranks of Amy Schumer's brilliant character, Plain Jane the detective (see video below or click on this link). If you're not familiar with her, Jane is plain and therefore utterly invisible to The Perfect People which makes her the ideal undercover agent in their world and creates all sorts of madcap hilarity. THAT's what happened, CB.

The Hubby told me CB's story over dinner and like I said, I was delighted by his misfortune. Partly because it's lonely here in NoSeeMeVille (first cousin to Margaritaville) and partly because I'm kind of a shitty friend. Hubby and I both knowingly discerned that even though CB is a super fit hipster, he IS still involuntarily bald and that's probably what triggered his imperceptibility and then we laughed and congratulated ourselves for our superior understanding of human nature. That's when Karma, being the bitch that she is, dealt me a payback blow...

At the table to my left, directly in my line of sight, an adorable 10-month old baby sat in his high chair, shredding a napkin, banging on the table, drooling uncontrollably and implicitly IGNORING ME. You have to understand, all kids freakin' love me. I think it's because I have no pride and I'm willing to make all sorts of goofy, animated faces or play peek-a-boo across a crowded restaurant and they normally react with belly laughs and clapping. But tonight I was trotting out my best moves: tongue curls (did you know that's a genetically inherited ability?) and peeking out from behind my napkin ("Look kid, I've got a fresh, unchewed one!") and ... nothing. In fact, at one point he turned completely around in his highchair to brazenly flirt with the people at the table behind him! That hurt. To be invisible to The Perfects is one thing, but to be invisible to a BABY?! Yeah, I know it's because I took a little too much joy in my friend's transition into transparency but really, just fuck you Karma - why you gotta be like that?

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