Are we actually this sh*tty, Boulder?
Let's be compassionate -- but only while everyone is watching
The Hubby and I in 1995, lying in bed, drifting off to our nightly game of Name That Gunfire, looked at each other and simultaneously declared: “We gotta get out of Dallas.”
“Remember how cute Boulder was when we drove through it last summer? Let’s move there.”
So we did. Just like that. We pretended to do some research first, checked out the demographics to see if Boulder was a good match for the home theater business Hubby wanted to start and it ticked all the right capitalistic boxes. Really, I think we would have talked ourselves into moving here regardless of the demographics. It had such a funky and artsy and cool vibe with Pearl Street mall and the University and its progressive, hippy-town Naropa history.
Who could have known that such a diverse group of white people (96% caucasian) with oodles of mostly inherited, Trustafarian-style money would evolve into an enclave of self-righteous entitled douchebags so extraordinarily narcissistic that the Sundance Film festival — the world’s most pretentious celebration of film — would move here 30 years later?
Everyone but us saw it coming. I mean, there were signs. While college students worldwide were protesting apartheid and human rights violations, 1,500 CU students rioted — overturned cars, lit patio furniture and trash dumpsters afire, then rolled them down Uni Hill at law enforcement — to protest the fact that they were no longer allowed to have alcohol in campus housing.
CU administrators believed students might not be mature enough to limit their booze consumption to just the 21-year-olds on campus and they were proven 100% correct in that assessment. Soon afterwards, the city of Boulder enacted a “no upholstered furniture on your patio or front porch” law to prevent the tragic Porch Sofa Massacre of 1997 from repeating itself. I’m not making this up.
Other signs of the overindulged jagoff evolution? The cost of living in Boulder is 67% higher than the US norm. Housing costs are double the national average. You want to rent a 1-bedroom apartment? That’ll be $2500 a month or more, depending on location. You want a 3-bedroom home with a yard for the kids and the compulsory Golden Retriever? You can buy a fixer-upper in a sketchy ‘hood for a just shy of a million bucks or you could rent a home — if you’re willing to have all your kids share your bedroom (to make room for the additional renters living in theirs) and make regular donations of bodily fluids for cash. Totally doable and well worth the sacrifice to be living in such a beautiful, healthy, happy, enlightened community.
So, yeah. I was aware that Boulder long ago parted ways with its hippy heritage and was morphing into an unrecognizable tribe of what sociologists call, “BoBos,” which is short for Bourgeois Bohemians. I knew this. I accepted this because I knew that deep down, beneath the bougie, most of us were good, decent people.
But today I encountered a revelation about my adopted hometown so disturbing that I had to scream into a pillow and am now screaming helplessly into the void of the etherwebs.
As previously mentioned, Boulder recently fought for and won the privilege of being the next home to the Sundance Film Festival. As Park City, Utah wrapped up their final Sundance last week, Boulderites realized we have less than a year to prepare for the oncoming onslaught of celebs, their wranglers and caretakers, the paparazzi, tourists and looky-loos arriving next January. Members of a group called the Community Editorial Board took to the local newspaper through the MyTown platform to share their thoughts on ways Boulder can improve infrastructure, upgrade services and basically put our best foot forward while the whole world watches.
Two of the biggest concerns? First, making sure our power grid can support all those extra people during the coldest part of the year and second … hiding the homeless. Because, “Yes, homelessness is tragic for the homeless but it’s also unsightly and Boulder will be on display so we want to look our best.”
This person’s proposed solution is to create additional shelters JUST FOR THE MONTH OF JANUARY while Sundance is happening. Because apparently it’s okay to be subjected to freezing conditions in November, December February and March when no one is looking. Apparently, we have the goddamn resources to provide more shelters but haven’t done it because NO ONE FAMOUS WAS WATCHING US. The best part of this January-only plan is that it will be met with less resistance than previous plans to add shelters because “it’s only one month.” I mean, obviously we can’t expect anyone to live or own a business near a shelter for the entire brutal, deadly winter, but for one month while we rake in millions of tourist dollars? Surely we can pretend to be caring and gracious toward fellow human beings (despite their conspicuous and distasteful flaunting of their lack of affluence in broad daylight) for 30 short days, can’t we?
Christ-in-a-fucking-Tesla, are we actually THIS SHITTY, Boulder????
To be fair, this suggestion came from one individual citizen on some editorial committee in the newspaper, it is not (yet) an actual proposal from our local government.
But the mere fact that this person felt enabled, authorized, licensed, empowered to publicly, openly, brazenly make such a reprehensible suggestion says more about the character of our town as a whole than it does about the individual.
SHAME. Fucking SHAME on us, Boulder. Let’s be better.
If you appreciate this story, make a donation to one of Boulder’s existing homeless shelters who are contributing much more than performative compassion:
Primary Homeless Shelters & Services in Boulder
All Roads Shelter (Boulder Shelter for the Homeless): Located at 4869 N. Broadway, this is the main, year-round, 160+ bed overnight shelter for adults.
Haven Ridge (formerly Mother House/The Lodge): Provides emergency shelter for women, transgender, and nonbinary individuals, including specialized housing for pregnant mothers.
TGTHR (formerly Attention Homes): Offers emergency shelter, housing, and services for youth aged 12-24.
Bridge House: Provides transitional housing, day services, and the “Ready to Work” program.
Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Nonviolence (SPAN): Shelter and services for those affected by domestic violence.
Emergency Family Assistance Association (EFAA): Provides temporary housing and assistance specifically for families.
HOPE Longmont: While located in nearby Longmont, it provides essential services to the broader Boulder County area.