Did Menopause Give Me ADHD and Poltergeists?
Me: Why have I been congested for six straight months?
Dr. Google: Menopause
Me: Well, that doesn’t seem feasible.
Dr. Google: Ahh, my Child, with Menopause, all things are possible.
“All things,” as it turns out, can indeed include chronic nasal congestion (accelerated histamine production due to the decline of our other hormones), the sensation of poltergeists tickling or shocking you (paresthesia — your little nerve endings not having as much estrogen as they used to, which manifests in these alarming electrical or tingling sensations like a ghost tickling your back), and adult onset ADHD.
TikTok knows best. Or at least better than the NYT.
My diagnostic source for the adult onset ADHD is of course, the world renowned and incontrovertibly expert panel of TikTok folks, so there could be a substantial margin of error. Then again, they were more accurate about Blake Lively than the fabricating fucktards at the The New York Times, so maybe the TikTok margin of error is slimmer than we’d all like to believe, especially when it comes to the topic of ADHD, which by my calculations, is an affliction shared by 1,327% of TikTokkers. I know this because one of the symptoms of ADHD is being easily sucked into distracting side quests and TikTok consists wholly of distracting side quests.
What’s a side quest?
A side quest is a way to avoid a hard thing you’re supposed to do by doing a random thing that lets the dopamine flow instead and simultaneously allows you to feel like you’re actually being productive when in reality you are getting fuckall done on your original hard thing to do. For instance, today I came downstairs to write and ended up digging through my fabric cabinet to find a stretchy piece of pink velvet that would make a good cat sling so that I could hold Rufus against my chest while still keeping both arms free to type. You can see how that’s a requisite writing-adjacent task, yes? If you disagree, you may leave now.
Until recently, I’ve always believed I was the least ADD/ADHD person ever. Sure, I’ve always had a ton of new project ideas bouncing around in my head and been very daydreamy but I’m also super-organized (in binges) and capable of getting a ton of shit done when in my laser focus mode (also known as hyperfixation). Plus, for almost six decades, I’ve been in a deeply devoted relationship with every sofa, bed, comfy chair, or random horizontal surface upon which I could foist my buttocks for a prolonged lie about. One of my job titles is literally ‘Fuckabout.’ How could I have a hyperactivity disorder and be so slothful?
When TikTok informed me that these behaviors are actually symptoms of how ADHD often manifests in women, not proof that I don’t have it, I was shook. Then relieved. Then a quick flash of uncontrollable rage at all the people who have called me lazy in my lifetime. It turns out I’m not lazy; I’m just paralyzed by the onslaught of creative possibilities in my brain. Like making pink velvet cat slings to create a more efficient work environment.
Was I Always ADHD?
When I was a kid, before I could fall asleep, my brain would force me to watch an hour or so of an internal visual parade of photos, paintings, pictures of potential things I should create. These closed eyeball visions were harmless but also relentless. It was like doomscrolling through my own personal Instagram decades before there was such a thing.
As I got older, from around 13 to sometime in my early thirties, the innocuous snapshots turned into reliving all the things I regretted saying or doing that day — usually in the form of an imaginary interview conducted by a very disappointed Johnny Carson (or David Letterman or Oprah - they took turns), who would repeatedly ask, “Now, Xan, why did you say that?” and I gave painfully detailed justifications of my every thought and deed until I eventually drifted off. The more Johnny was enthralled by my explanations, the sooner I could sleep. Seeing this written out, I’m suspicious this might have been a form of psychosis rather than ADHD.
Do I have ADHD or am I just a little neurospicy?
Now that I’m retired, with literally zero restrictions on what I can do at any given moment on any given day, and I have menopausal hormones doing the equivalent of that Christopher Walken/Fat Boy Slim “tap dance meets martial arts” thing throughout my endocrine system morning noon and night, I am face to face with the fact that I absolutely, positively have … wait. Maybe I don’t have ADHD; do I actually have a serious hormonal imbalance resulting from an exceptionally rare infirmity, about which I ought to obsessively scour the internet for at least the next 36 straight hours? Or maybe I’m just a little neurospicy.
Wanna do a self-diagnosis with me? Here’s how ADHD can present in women:
Lower self esteem (lower than what? What’s a normal amount of low self esteem?)
Frequent daydreaming
Odd eating habits (is cereal and popcorn for dinner odd?)
Binge eating (is eating ALL the cereal and popcorn in the house bingeing?)
Moody or overly sensitive (Hey motherfucker, I find that statement very triggering. Stop judging me goddamnit)
Difficulties with time management (I was born one day earlier than expected. That is the last time I was early to anything)
Serious case of imposter syndrome (I can’t believe I call myself a ‘writer’ in my Substack profile)
Huge amount of internal chatter, having a million thoughts simultaneously which can cause paralysis because you don’t know which thought to follow so you end up lying on the sofa, scrolling through social media. On the outside, it looks like laziness but you’re literally unable to do anything else because you’re already doing so much in your brain.
If you’d like to hear that last one straight from its blonde-Benedict-Cumberbatchy source, here’s a video from ADHD Chatter podcast:
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And here’s how fellow Substacker Kelly describes ADHD:
But my favorite TikTok explanation and diagnosis came from adhd_love (Rich and Rox) and their “10 Little Signs of ADHD” video below. Their example of side quests: An Amazon package arrives. “I have absolutely no idea what’s in here but I trust past me to have made an amazing decision.” “But hon, didn’t you have loads of important stuff to do today?” “Yes! But that’s actually the best motivation to get other stuff done!”
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A possible ADHD solution
Rich and Rox aren’t just funny - they have created a helpful tool called dubbii, the body doubling app, which gives ADHD folks step by step video instructions on how to do simple cleaning tasks around your home. Like a video of her or her husband making the bed, one step at a time, so you can follow along with your body double and not get distracted or go on a side quest of … oooh, I just had a great idea for a leopard print necklace…
‘No,’ I tell myself firmly and responsibly, ‘you have to finish your real project first.’ The pink velvet cat sling.
very telling!