Excerpts from the Diary of a Criminally Insane Housecat
Sashabelle's Story
In 2008, Sashabelle was featured in our annual Christmas letter. I have posted it in its entirety here. Enjoy.
Stumbling upon Sashabelle’s diary was a complete accident. Until recently, it was safely hidden in our deserted exercise room, behind the dust-encrusted treadmill. Then Alijah created her Christmas wish list. She asked Santa for (1) a new computer and (2) could he please make her parents live forever? So our gift to her this year is a written contract promising to exercise more, eat less and generally take better care of ourselves in an attempt to increase our longevity. Which led to our prying open the rusty door to the exercise room and the discovery of Sashabelle’s journal. We thought it would be more interesting for you to read about our year through Sasha’s deeply neurotic eyes. Here are a few entries...
Sept. 28, 2007: Today I convinced the Alijah Girl to liberate me from my monstrous siblings. They were incessantly cute, playing with her shoelaces, pouncing at her from behind curtains -- sickening. But she chose me instead. I shall be forever devoted to The Girl for my rescue and she alone will be spared when my Plan to Rule The World is realized.
March 24, 2008: My Girl and her elders have gone somewhere called Illin’Oy to visit her grandparents. I have been abandoned to the care of an elf named Tabatha and her giant associate, Stehlin. Elf and Giant have swarms of wretched cats who taunt me from the other side of my prison door. Elvis is sequestered with me but being a hapless simpleton, he is perfectly content here. I tried to disembowel my captors but only succeeded in carving my initials in the tall one’s thigh.
March 30, 2008: Hosannah! My Girl has returned! I’m embarrassed to say I was so relieved to see her that I rushed into her arms. The Elf and Giant instantly leapt forward, screaming, “Oh God No!! Look Out!” Then they revealed my efforts to exterminate them, saying I was “the meanest cat they’d ever seen” and mumbling something about “hell-spawn.” The truth of my diabolical disposition has been discovered. I must hasten my efforts to Rule The World while they still remain oblivious to my Plan.
May 5, 2008: My Girl now dresses me in the Tiny Dog’s ridiculous clothes and pearls. She says I am “modeling” like she did today for the MyTwinn Doll catalog. My humiliation is unbearable. The Girl’s parents mock my shame. I shall shred their horrid pink, hairless skin at the first opportunity. In fact, I will make all humankind pay for this horror when I Rule The World. I will be avenged!
June 14, 2008: Summer. My Girl is home all day every day. She had something called a Tenth Birthday. It requires much planning and causes chaos for weeks. There were three cakes stacked on some sort of altar. I tried to understand the religious significance; perhaps they were items of worship offered to the Girl? My Girl tells me that she and her friends rode bicycles along three miles of Boulder Creek Path. Is a Birthday some sort of military parade in which to display one’s strength? She also tells me her friends gave her money for the Humane Society - over $320! I must have a Birthday of my own! Surely $320 is enough money to Rule The World!
July 15, 2008: Elvis spoke with an animal communicator and demanded to be called “The King” from now on. Diva. Then that mama’s boy, Ferdinand, started yammering on about how he loves everyone and couldn’t we all just get along? They vex me so. I shall remove their entrails in their sleep.
July 21, 2008: My girl says tomorrow is my Birthday! At last, my chance to demonstrate my devastating powers! I shall parade before thousands of humans and perform feats of previously unimagined villainy, then dispatch them all while they stare in slack-jawed awe. I am dizzy with the prospect of my destiny coming to fruition.
July 22, 2008: What the F***? Today was my Birthday. No military parade. No thousands of dimwitted victims giving me money. Instead, my Girl gave me a cake made from liver with a lighted fuse in the middle. The humans howled some cacophony at me then the Girl blew out the fuse and the cake was dispersed to me AND Elvis, and BOTH the idiot dogs. My Girl gave me a whole baggy of something called Meowy Wowi Catnip which smelled delightful but caused everything to go hazy for the next six hours. I woke up with liver in my fur and dog hair on my tongue. This was not the Birthday I had envisioned.
Sept. 23, 2008: My girl has decided she will be a chef when she grows up. She makes all sorts of delicious meals for the family and lets me sample them. Soon I will be as fat as Elvis, who is showing a remarkable resemblance to the Hindenberg. With a tail.
Oct. 31, 2008: In yet another demonstration of my extraordinarily devious intellect, I have taught myself how to open the pantry door, whereupon I am free to plunder the shelves. Today I partook of bag after delicious bag of Pirate Booty Popcorn. And I particularly like bags of Top Ramen noodles. Tomorrow I will pillage the Girl’s Halloween candy.
Nov. 4, 2008: Tonight someone named Barack has been elected to my job of Ruling The World. Everyone here is ecstatic but I hear he’s taking a DOG to the White House for his daughters! An idiot DOG!! The success of my Plan is more crucial than ever now - I must not give up.
Nov. 27, 2008: It is Thanksgiving today. My Girl and her elders are having a lavish meal at the home of Elf and Giant, who have recently added three ferrets to their swarm of cats and four colossal fishtanks. Sounds like my own personal Disneyland but I wouldn’t know because I’ve been left behind with the insufferable dogs and Elvis. I would kill for a chance to kill ferrets. Perhaps I will kill something anyway. For grins. Fiona is quite ferret-like.
Dec. 2, 2008: My Girl saved her slave wages for many weeks to buy me my very own outdoor conveyance. My carriage is purple and called a “cat stroller” although there’s no room for me to stroll inside it. I just sit in it while the girl pushes me around the neighborhood visiting her friends who each insist on touching me. I shall eviscerate them at the first opportunity. Perhaps when they come to my home for Christmas...