There's No Crying in CrossFit (except when there is)

My CrossFit experience so far:

• Day One: cried during class.

• Day Two: cried at end of class but still in the gym.

• Day Three: cried after class as I walked to the car

• Day Four: cried while sitting in the car in the parking lot

• Day Five: cried in the car as I drove home

• Day Six: cried to the dog and cat once I got home

• Day Seven: didn’t cry.

• Day Eight and every proceeding day: Grunt and curse and whimper through class but there’s no more crying in CrossFit.

What’s all the crying about, you ask? Are you familiar with kinesiophobia? It’s basically a fear of exercise and it can stem from a variety of causes, from simple ‘gymtimidation’ — the intimidation caused by a gym full of bodies that are so monumentally more toned and fit than mine as to create an unnerving sensation that they might actually be a different, far superior, species — to triggering trauma from previous pain or anxiety about possible re-injury.

For me, it’s a subset of kinesiophobia called dyspnea — the fear of being out of breath. This may be a radical opinion but I’m just gonna go out on a limb and say it: I firmly believe that breathing is important; and as such, I firmly believe it should be fairly easy for me to achieve at all times. I feel that without even thinking about it, I ought to be able to inhale and exhale consistently and fluently, in a natural, unbroken and graceful rhythm; not the shaking, spasmodic gasps of maximum effort oxygen intake that my lungs are forced to perform when I compel my body to endure a grueling workout such as walking up a single flight of stairs, vacuuming the living room, or leisurely watering the outdoor plants.

Being winded, especially when combined with an elevated heart rate, feels exactly a panic attack to me and therefore, in my mind, exertion must be avoided at all costs. Ironically, “all costs” includes a worsening capacity to breathe.

About a year and a half ago I decided my deteriorating ability to inhale was becoming unacceptable. As a retired person and Fuckabout, I have many travels and adventures in my future and being able to walk from one escapade to the next is vital. So I found a personal trainer. For 18 months she pushed and stretched and therapied me (physically and mentally) into relearning to walk and stand and take a deep breath. Considering that I hadn’t comfortably taken a deep breath since about 1972, those 18 months felt like a pretty big challenge for both of us.

Then I went on Zepbound, one of the weight loss GLP-1s, and my primary care doc said I absolutely, positively HAD to eat at least 100 grams of protein daily and do real strength training while on these meds. Lots of protein? Can do. Strength training? Nnnnnnnn … don’t wanna. But then she said a magical thing: “Why don’t you join me in the twice weekly CrossFit strength training class I go to?”

Hmmm. “So my personal physician is going to be there with me if I have a stroke or heart attack or pass out from hyperventilating?” “Yes, Xan, I will be there with you when none of those things happen. And the Coach is doctor of physical therapy too.”

I tried it and discovered that the emotional release of taking 53 years worth of deep breaths all at once earns the tearful results listed above. But I have also earned some pretty amazing physiological results in the past eight weeks as well:

Achievements in CrossFit so far:

• Started deadlift at 15 pounds. Eight weeks later up to 80 pounds.

• Went to a concert at Red Rocks and didn’t need to stop on the walk from the parking lot to the upper check-in level. I did stop. But I didn’t need to.

• Started dead hang unable to pull my feet off the ground for even a second. Now can hold for three excruciating seconds.

• BP went from an average of 140/90 (that’s high) down to an average of 117/78 (that’s kinda perfect).

• And most importantly, while Fuckabouting this weekend in Seattle — a city made of nothing but bidirectional angles and hills, where it is literally possible to walk to and from a destination and go uphill both ways — I didn’t have to make a desperate, wheezing stop every half block. Even going uphill at what I’m pretty sure was a 60 degree angle, I was winded but didn’t stop.

At the end of class last week, my Coach came up alongside me as I was leaving and asked, “How are you liking it now that you’ve gotten into the groove of class?” I answered with a grim smile, “Oh, I hate every fucking second of this.”

She instantly held out her fist for a bump and said, “Yes, but you haven’t missed a class. I’m proud of you.”

I cried in the gym again.

Down is just as hard as up

SERIOUSLY Seattle? Who thought this was a good idea??

PS. I sent this story to my Coach and she had some important notes:

“One note on “CrossFit”, we technically aren’t doing CrossFit, but rather just renting the space and equipment from a CrossFit gym as they have everything we need. CrossFit is a licensed term where gym owners have to pay a licensing fee to CrossFit and have coaches that have gone through their proprietary coaching system, which I have not. I’m just your friendly neighborhood physical therapist that’s worked with a lot of women over the years and wanted to bring them together to do high-quality strength and conditioning which has been around since long before CrossFit existed in the early 2000’s.”

“CrossFit has an extremely intimidating connotation for most of the general population and women specifically, so we’ve tried to market our class as high level strength and interval training for women, but not CrossFit and that really has reduced the barrier for entry for a lot of of our participants that would otherwise never set foot in a gym like this.”

~Kristin Carpenter, PT, DPT, OCS, FAAOMPT; Co-founder, MEND; Orthopedic Clinical Specialist; Fellowship Trained in Manual Therapy