The Plan for My Auspicious Death at 97

I have known since 1976 that I will live to be 97 years old, just like my great-grandmother. I was 10-years-old when she died and at her fu

Mother of Danes (or Why I Sleep with Livestock)

Living with a Great Dane is in every conceivable way exactly like having livestock in our home. Even more so than having a bunch of young c

I Swear to You: Dispatch from a Cursing Connoisseur

I have been swearing semi-professionally since I was about 10-years-old. That’s the first time I remember using the word “fuck” and feeling

I MET DAX SHEPARD AND MONICA PADMAN!!!

How I MET DAX SHEPARD AND MONICA PADMAN!!! And no, this did not only happen in my imagination like it normally does.

I Know There's A Balance, I've Seen It When I Swing Past

Who knew it would be so hard to find the balance between work and fuckaboutery? I’m two weeks into this retirement gig and I’m somehow alr

How Did I Get Here?

How did I go from an anxiety-ridden, suicidally depressed, self-absorbed, agoraphobic wreck who couldn’t be conscious on an airplane or step

How to Electrocute Your Sister-in-Law

How to electrocute your sister in law and then be absolved of your treachery by faux Cher on Broadway

Leader, Co-Worker or Food: Which One Are You?

Standing shoulder to shoulder in a crowded train car at Denver International Airport, I looked around at my fellow passengers to make my usu

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